Monday, April 4, 2011

oh baby!

i can't believe my precious baby boy is already 7 weeks old. oy. i've been overwhelmed with emotion this last almost two months and really the few weeks before that, but i'm excited to share my feelings. this is a long one, consider yourself warned. i feel like i should start by quickly recapping eva's birth. it had a huge effect on what i wanted for this baby and his grand entrance into the world, so here goes. after dealing with a scary bout with preeclampsia, eva came to us 4 weeks early by emergency c-section. her birth was just awful for me in a lot of ways. i felt unprepared, stressed, scared, i was a bunch of nerves. plus i didn't get to hold my baby afterward. it just felt wrong, and i so badly wanted this pregnancy and delivery to be different.

so somewhere between then and now i set my heart on a VBAC and what i considered to be the storybook delivery. that sounds really cheesy i know, but you know. contractions, labor, all that jazz. i wanted the whole experience, and i was determined to have things go my way. so you can imagine my disappointment when the doctor stripped my membranes twice (OUCH) and still no progress. this baby just wouldn't cooperate. at my last appointment before he was born we had a decision to make. the bottom line was that this baby wasn't dropping. because of my prior c-section, i was not a candidate for induction/pitocin, and my doctor was worried that even if i did go into labor, i would end up needing a c-section anyway. we talked about having him strip the membranes a third time and waiting a week, but i just couldn't wait. i was in so much pain. mostly physical, but also emotional. one of the best parts about those last few weeks of pregnancy was knowing that i couldn't possibly stay pregnant forever, but it was so draining for me not knowing when our baby would come. so we scheduled the c-section for my due date two days later and i cried. i was devastated. i'd prayed hard for my perfect delivery, and i was upset that my prayers had not been answered the way i wanted them to be. my thought was that clearly our heavenly father would understand and allow a hormonal and very pregnant woman to get her way, right? wrong.

i still don't know exactly why i was meant to deliver the way i did, but looking back i can see more clearly all of the good things about my c-section. it was scheduled, so we knew exactly when he was coming. i had my bag packed and ready, scott didn't have to rush home from who knows where. we knew when this was going down. such a plus. also, i'd been through this once before, so i knew better what to expect. (which is partly why i dreaded it, but it also made a huge difference.) plus this c-section was much more relaxed and comfortable than my last one. my doctor was fabulous, and the OR nurses and aides just seemed more kind and supportive. i felt nervous all morning, but the encouragement of a certain aide in the OR calmed me right down. he talked to me the entire time, asking how i was doing, distracting me from all the craziness around me. it was wonderful. and last, because it was not an emergency delivery, i got to hold my baby! as in right after he arrived! spending recovery with him in my arms was the best feeling. and at that point, my sadness over the delivery was completely gone. i felt peace, and i'm so grateful for that.

i'm also very happy to say that my recovery from this c-section has been SO easy. i assume it's because this was my third time being cut open in that spot, but i like to think it's been my own little reward for enduring the c-section i was so determined to avoid :)

now there are some things i want remember about everett's birthday. the first is that when i checked into the hospital, got into my gown, and talked with our nurse about everything, she happened to ask what we planned to name our baby. we'd kinda been keeping his name to ourselves, but i decided it was probably safe to tell at this point. i told her everett, and it turned out her husband's name was everett! not only her husband, but also her son and her grandson. all named everett. craziness! no way that was a coincidence, i told her it must be a sign ;) i don't know a single everett (until now) and here she was closely related to three people all with this name. wow!

another quick thing i want to remember is how big everett looked right at birth. when they held him up for me to see and whisked him away real quick to get cleaned up, i went whoa baby! my doctor predicted that he would be on the small side, maybe 6 or 7 lbs according to the ultrasound. and i even asked the aide with me in the OR how big he looked when they pulled him out. the aide said he thought 6lbs or so. but nope. a whopping 8lbs 5.5oz! i can't believe that much baby was inside of me. and then i remember all those hard kicks, and i totally CAN believe it. :)

and the last thing i want to remember. back when we found out we were having a boy, i kinda freaked out, sorta had some denial. when i was pregnant with eva, we weren't sure she was a girl until three weeks before she was born. the doctors just couldn't make up their minds about what she was. then with this pregnancy, i wanted a girl. it's what i know and love, so given our past experience, i refused to believe they were 100% sure it was a boy. they were wrong last time right? i told myself they could totally be wrong again. i even convinced myself that if i didn't say we were having a boy, i could somehow prevent him from BEING a boy. hah. (apparently being pregnant messed with my ability to think rationally!) so anyway, when everett was born, i was so surprised at how instantly we bonded. i've heard that lots of moms worry about being able to love a second child, but i was worried about being able to love a boy. a dirty, stinky, little boy. well guess what? i love him. more than i ever knew i could or would.

time for some pictures. now i am not a fan of my pregnant body, but i do want my family to remember me at every stage of my life, no matter my shape or size. so here i am lookin large just a few hours before everett was born.

and just like that, he's here!

gettin so fresh and so clean clean.

these pictures are so dear to me. i am in love.

so so tender.

all dressed and ready to go home!

part of me is really glad it's all over, but already a part of me is honestly so excited to do it all over again someday :)